I knew at an early age I was different. Even in elementary school. It took a long time to finally figure out why. After many beatings and abuse at school and elsewhere , I managed to understand a bit. Yet, I could not be me. Back then. I had to morph into what I thought society wanted me to be. Macho male…aggressive and brutal. Basically a horrible person. I became that. Survival. We did not have internet then…I could not google my issues.
My first love of my life was a boy named Hal…I met him my first year in high school. The hardest year of school ever for most of us. I was in love! I was 13. He was so very flamboyant, colorful and intelligent. Ok Sexy too…blush. No Bueno back then. I fell in love. Still …we hung out together for a year and I endured the daily beatings for such. I was in love. His dad was an Admiral in the Navy of the Western Fleet. So we had to hide ourselves. They moved to Halifax on the east coast the following year. And I lost him. But, as it turns out …he knew. When Hal died of aids in the early 80’s …one of the early ones…I received a call…I cannot remember through who…but I got on the line with dad to hear him tell of Hal’s passing. I was devastated. He knew we loved each other but could not acknowledge due to his career as a high ranking Naval officer. But…he found me and called me!!!! He always liked me. He apologized to me. And Hal told him to let me know he still loved me. Wow. That call!!!
Back in those days this was unreal. I was trying to be a tough guy as I thought society wanted me to be….then that call. As much as I tried to be “cool and rough” with my circle…I was always in distress as I knew this was not me. But I played the game as I felt I had to. I was a thug , thief and a dealer …and am not proud of it. Survival. I had to move on.
In my early teens my best friend in the world…well his cousin Leon became Empress of BC. We would hang out after school watching the crap on tv when these 3 or 4 guys would trundle upstairs to Leon’s room. An hour or so later…these gorgeous creatures would float down the staircase and pile into the car to go to their club. Underground club back then. I was gobsmacked. I so wanted to be them! They were stunningly beautiful. I knew then what I desired to be. Not a drag queen…a woman. We were invited to his Coronation Gala…smuggled in. We were after all only 15 or 16. Leon knew. It was magical for me!!!!! My buddy…not so much. That is ok. He is actually the last person I ever told and showed myself as Francine to. I was so terrified of his reaction and the thought of losing my then and still now best friend in the world. He was mad at me because he was the last to know. I explained and he did understand…as a best friend would. He loves Francine! Does not get it…but he loves me! As do I him!
Ever since that day…the Coronation Gala…I wanted to be Francine! A gorgeous creature…different…turn heads and make others wonder. I tried my best to hide my desires out of fear. And…eventually the love for my wife of 35 years consumed my life. No regrets…at all. I tried my best to be a “normal” person, father and husband. It actually was so very wonderful and fulfilling. Everything in our lives make us what we are today.
But eventually..Francine had to emerge. It ruined my long marriage. But, I had no more control over it all. I had to be Francine! I had to be with men too. I am a pansexual …bisexual…whatever box I need to be in…I guess it could be categorized…I can fall in love in with anyone who understands me and respects me. Male or female. have forged my own life here in Mexico and Vallarta. I am not going anywhere.I will be your best new friend. Ever! Leave your stuff behind…Let us all just get along and enjoy our lives! We only have one short one to live and let us all love each other! The world needs it now!!!
Besos y abrazos. Francine!!!