The legendary Gouda Gabor has done TV, stage… and probably a few of your husbands. She has been visiting Puerto Vallarta since the Malecon was just a “Mal”, but now she makes her home here and looks forward to sharing her observations of what’s on the stage and what’s on the streets of Vallarta…
My goodness, February has certainly been a plethora of action and excitement in Puerto Vallarta. I must admit it did not start off so well as after Bear Week I spent many days trying to get all that goddamn hair out of my poor pool filter! But I did also shave a few backs and knitted myself a lovely sweater to take the chill off the cool nights we have been having.
Vallarta offers such a wonderful variety of gay venues, but one of my FAVE nights out on the town is a whore-tour of M4M Nudie-Bars! Those in the know raise an eyebrow and announce they are going to “church”, or they may invite you to partake by asking you to join them in “worship”. One club is full of Guadalajara boys with 50 inch chests and little ballerina-girl legs…another has a large stage and a stripper pole that sometimes features amazing “twink-de-soleil” performances…then there is the place where there are so many sweet boys that it is hard to stay “dry”; I do believe some of the barstools there have a permanent imprint of my moist ass…from the humidity of course!
And now we have a new-Nudie-bar that is so fancy that I want to wrap my pesos in a linen hankie before I shove them down the little gold speedos the boys wear! The manager is sweet, the DJ is top-drawer, but I do have 3 issues with the new space!
- The waiters are more handsome than the dancers.
- The stairs down to the basement, where the private rooms are, are treacherous-we all know that old men with $$ are going to be the main customers & after a few cocktails there is going to be a parade of goddamn grandpa’s being hauled off to the CMQ emergency room!!!
- Although the décor is amazing it is also very dangerous…penis’ everywhere…the table bases…the chandeliers and even the goddamn faucets in the sanitarios! I am not sure exactly how it happened, but I seemed to have SAT on one of those goddamn faucets and got STUCK! They had to haul me off to the aforementioned goddamn emergency room. The good news is that I have excellent medical insurance…the bad news is that the extraction procedure was denied…the bastards excluded it from the insurance as a “preexisting condition”!!!
Wanna see me LIVE on stage? Well mosey on down to Incanto next Friday March 1st at 9:30 pm where I will be Mr. Mark Hartman’s special guest at his farewell show…and stay tuned 2 channel-Gouda for my next column where I’ll look at what’s on the stages of PV…I mean, can every goddamn show in town be the “hit of the season”?