Puerto Vallarta March Madness A View From A Broad by Gouda Gabor

The legendary Gouda Gabor has done TV, stage… and probably a few of your husbands. She has been visiting Puerto Vallarta since the Malecon was just a “Mal”, but now she makes her home here and looks forward to sharing her observations of what’s on the stage and what’s on the streets of Vallarta.

It is March in glorious Puerto Vallarta, and I am thrilled to report that I have not yet been barred from any fine PV-Gay establishments! It also meant big birthday celebrations for yours truly! In preparation for all the events, whatever I had not already had lifted, I went out and got shaved, trimmed or bleached! Then off to Fluvial I went to get a bucket of Botox from dear Dra. Valeria…she said, “Gouda dear, I sell it in units”, to which I replied, “Just fill the goddamn bucket & shoot it my goddamn face!”. My birthday show of comedy and song at the beautiful Incanto Vallarta went just dandy and the fools have invited me back for more. I did not get in much trouble there, as the bathroom stalls are so small you really can only fit one at a time. Now I am very experienced with airplane-sized “fun”, but after that nasty trip to the CMQ emergency last month (having to have the Club 69 “faucet” extraction), I need to be more careful, right?

As the days get a wee warmer, let’s turn up the heat on the entertainment scene of Vallarta. I do get rather confused trying to figure out how so many goddamn shows can be T H E “hit of the season”; I mean some are truly grand and some are akin to a trip to the distressed sewer line at the Marina; yet, since I myself deal in a little hyperbole on occasion, we’ll just give that topic a pass, and talk about some of the wonderful things I have seen!

There is a positive plethora of shows that gaily hit the stages of Vallarta to vie for your entertainment dollar…and props to so many of the performers who bravely hit the beach and hit the streets to promote their work. My fave is Miss Delighted-To-Be-Here (I call her Miss Nice-2-Meet-Cha to annoy her) who works Los Muertos carrying around a life-size cut out of her alter ego! (I tried to steal this idea, but the print shop ran out of ink halfway through.) My 2 fave shows so far this season are from Miss Conception TVland, and Sutton Lee Seymour Dragflix, 2 of the most talented and hardest working bitches you will ever see. I also so appreciate the classy way they treat their fans after the shows, rather than trying to fleece more cash out of patrons before they leave the theatre. My fave story is about dear Sutton…near the end of her show she does a little speech saying that if she does not repeat the next number the fans complain…and I thought to myself, “Oh we have all heard that one before…sigh”, but then she proceeded to do her dueling Zeta Jones/Zellweger Chicago bit that had me screaming…I mean SO funny that the next time I go her damn show I need to change the “Poise” pad to a full-on “Depends”…that goddamn funny! I later ran into her alter ego in the Spartacus steam room in a state of mucho erotica, and to his/her horror I let out a huge gay howl and screamed “OMG…do the Chicago bit for us!” I can report she is still speaking to me, but barely.

There are some fabulous local queens in Vallarta! I have never seen Miss Diva Divine looking anything less than 100% en fleek and she is a wise-cracking wonder on the mic! Another favourite is Miss Angie Starr who is a classy sassy bitch with some truly grand costumes and presence. When you are around and about please tip the queens who live here, they are not the gals that are reaping the rewards of your 500-peso tickets at the “theatres”!

To celebrate Mardi Gras, we had a trip out to preview the FAB new Gay Resort, the Rainbow Palms. The drinks were cool, the boys were hot, Francine had the girls out on full display & I was fascinated by some old daddy who was sporting such heavy jewelry that it extended the length of his chorizo by at least 3 inches! Yes, it is a clothing optional spot, and they even toured me through the speciality dungeon. I told them they had the glory holes all positioned wrong (I am a tall gal), but they gently explained I was trying to use them backwards…oops! Hasta leugo my darlings and stay tuned to channel-Gouda as I look forward to “roasting” more of Gay Vallarta as the temperature rises!

Photo taken of Gouda Gabor at Wet Dreams! 



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