No April Fools- A View from A Broad by Gouda Gabor

gouda gabor satire column

A VIEW FROM A BROAD #4 – The legendary Gouda Gabor has done TV, stage… and probably a few of your husbands. She has been visiting Puerto Vallarta since the Malecon was just a “Mal”, but now she makes her home here and looks forward to sharing her observations of what’s on the stage and what’s on the streets of Vallarta

March was magnificent in Puerto Vallarta! I admit that much of it for me was just a blur of sauvignon blanc and penises, but a few memories have stuck with me. I had a marvelous time at Mercurio’s Sunday bash…but Paul darling, kindly fix your false advertising – I read that it was unlimited Boys, Burgers & Beers for 199 pesos…although I admit that I ate and drank my own weight in the latter two categories, my “boy” wanted an additional goddamn 500 pesos! On a sad note, I did not see our dear Francine Peters who was often a BBB fixture. The Puerto Vallarta treasure passed away and much of the early April social scene centred around honoring her memory. My last Franny “Hi, Honey!” came when she attended my show at Incanto. Notorious for her bodacious boobies, on the mic, I asked her how “the girls” were doing and explained (a Dorothy Parker line I believe) that breasts are like martinis, one is never enough and three is always too many. That was the last time I heard that wonderful roar of laughter. She will be sorely missed by so many.

On a brighter note, dear Tim Wilson invited me on one of his Gay Bar Tours and I accompanied a merry band of Yanks and Canucks on a grand “PV-wheure-tour”. After a FAB dinner, there were slushies, drag shows, gogo-boys, pretty patios and of course a visit to one of PV’s fine nudie bars, which everyone knows is a MUST if I am along for the ride! We were treated like royalty, and not JUST at Reina’s, so no wonder two of the guests were repeat customers! April got off to a fabulous start with the Puerto Vallarta Men’s Chorus five-star gala at Oscars. It was sold out…no, I mean it was REALLY sold out (excuse me for making a PV insider show-folk joke). The chorus looked and sounded grand and though Sutton Lee Seymour MC’d with her usual panache, it was Kim Kuzma who stole the goddamn show singing “Shallow” with the boys. In the spirited live auction, yours truly won the handsome chorus director Derek Carkner… sadly, I was so bombed by that point, it was not until the next day that I realized he had been auctioned merely as a dinner date…for what I paid I could have had two or three of the goddamn Wet-Bar boys crawling all over me in the back room! Let’s finish off the rambling for this month with Gouda’s gab as I climb up on my soapbox to talk about COVER UPS!

Let’s not COVER UP… The talk about the break-ins and grab & dashes that happen in Puerto Vallarta…let’s DO share the news in un-sensationalized ways, to help others be on their toes for security and safety! When I moved here, I was advised to install new locks, bars and an  alarm…but I am Gouda Gabor, so I just hang my goddamn corset on the terrace…it scares off anything on two OR four legs! The SCOOP on the POOP…so, during the recent sewage leak in the bay, the goddamn Mayor is on record as asking the media not to report about it. Meanwhile, the local health authorities declared swimming was unsafe…WTF!!!

Yes please…COVER UP…Plus size gringos in speedos – my darlings, if the spandex on your suit could provide enough shade for a couple of twinks, then you probably should be wearing some nice boxers. It is an urban myth that tanned fat looks smaller than white fat and I KNOW most of you would not be caught dead in a speedo at your home pool in Upper Rubber Boot, Idaho! All dem old drunk gringas at Andale’s wearing tube and tank tops need to be checked at the door for dress code – long sleeves and high necks are a MUST…with those old gals, the only thing looser than their morals is the skin under their arms. That being said, my new line of Gringa-ropa will be out next season. I am calling it MEXI-jabs…it’s like a Muslim hijab that covers everything but the eyes, but in bright colors in that nice vinyl material abuela’s use on their kitchen tables…that way the old cougars will sweat off a few pounds too! For a few pesos extra the deluxe models will come with a hole for a cigarette, and a built in cerveza holder. It was a wet night at one of PV’s fine nudie bars when two of the boys sat on the side couch as one of the dancers lovingly popped the pimples on the other’s back, then sweetly dabbed him dry with a napkin. Get thee to the goddamn back room or stop buying your steroids at the vente-cinqo store!!! *and…NO I did NOT make that up! I was SO worried about one of my fave boys last week! I thought he had developed a stomach tumor…but thank god, it was just that one of his chest implants had slipped…*and…OK, I may have made that one up!

Hasta luego darlings! I am leaving town for a few weeks to have everything tucked, lifted & shifted, so I shall be all glammed up for you when I hit the beautiful Incanto Vallarta stage for PV Pride Week 2019, May 20 to 27!



  • Check Out Our May-Oct 2022 Edition

  • Categories

  • Recent Posts

  • On Key

    Related Posts