A View From A Broad #7 Gouda Gabor November 2019

A VIEW FROM A BROAD #7 – The legendary Gouda Gabor has done TV, stage… and probably a few of your husbands. She has been visiting Puerto Vallarta since the Malecon was just a “Mal”, but now she makes her home here and looks forward to sharing her observations of what’s on the stage and the streets of Vallarta…

The blood sport in Vallarta used to be in the bullfighting ring…nowadays it is the real estate game, another kind of bull. Now let me open this exposé by saying I was treated well, and things all went just dandy when I bought my Casa Gabor del Sur from some nice pros that came highly recommended. Why, I even have some friends who are realtors…well maybe not after this column! ��

Most every gay I know has a dream of buying a condo in Vallarta. They will fly in from the great north to use it for their own vacation weeks, rent it out for big bucks when they are not here, and dream that the value will increase to make them some more big bucks. There are a few important things that the dreamers need to know. Firstly, it is easy to buy in Vallarta, but not so easy to sell ☹ I have been told the average time a listing stays on the market here before selling is one year. The other important thing to know is this is not a morgage kind of town. Even if that means taking out a line of credit on your non-Mexico home, you need to be waving that cash in your hand…and for the gringo type housing market, warning to my fellow Canadians and Euro-folk; that cash means US dollars.

God help you if you have the strength to buy a pre-sale in Vallarta. The ghost of condos past still haunt the Lazaro Cardenes Park…and I was encouraged to buy into the development past the Sheraton… “amazing opportunity to get a 2 bedroom on the beach in the 220’s”. Fortunately, my good advice and good sense saw me buying an existing unit elsewhere. The amazing opportunity remains a concrete graveyard 2 years later…and if you do have the guts to buy a pre-sale,best to plan on really taking procession about 6 months after they tell you it will be ready, plus don’t hold your breath for your deed! It greatly amuses me when I see new owners in new build condos in Old Town complaining about the noise. It is very important to walk your neighborhood at different times of day. I would advise a rooster check, a bus route fumes check, and a late-night bar music check. Am I bad person for getting the giggles when I watch the new residents of Pier 57 look down to their next-door neighbor on a Mecurio “Beers, Burgers & Boys” day with the tunes pumping…and the boys pumped. I remember being shown a lovely suite in The Park, I looked across the street to see the back patio of Los Amigos and started to laugh…N E X T, I
screamed to the realtor!

Now let’s talk about the realtors of Vallarta themselves…there is an army of them, and they are humans who are icons of handsomeness and/or good plastic surgery. If you are 70, look 50, if you are 50 look 39…and don’t worry if you don’t speak Spanish, one just needs to speak US dollars. What they have not had lifted, they have had bleached, trimmed or injected. I have no idea how the realtor army, and there are thousands of them, keep so damn cool in their crisp long- sleeve and collars, but I am going to guess botox to their armpits???; or perhaps it
just from the cold heart one needs to have in this cut-a-bitch Vallarta profession.

Neighborhoods prices vary widely; what will buy you a studio condo in Zona Romantica will buy you a new house by Costco! Although renting first is a grand idea, it seems that rentals in high season are going nuts. I have had friends who have had their rents doubled this year. I bought my casa because it was getting more expensive and frustrating to find a good place when and where I wanted. Plus, now that I am not at the mercy of matching airfares to my dates, I can come and go as I please and on a day that has the best fare. One last hint if you have the $means$ to go permanente (permanent resident status in Mexico) it will save you a bundle in capital gains tax come the day when you sell your property-plus who doesn’t love that shorter line at the airport!

I am thrilled to announce that I am in rehearsals for a new show at the beautiful Incanto Vallarta Theatre. OH BOY, a cabaret of male burlesque, dance, song and comedy will open December 13 and run through the season on Friday and Sunday nights. Gouda and her five super-gaupos look forward to presenting Vallarta with the cheekiest show in town! Stay tuned to #channelGOUDA 4 more details!



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